


You sometimes smile at me (How can I let you go?)

by TaeSivan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, By the eyes of the victim, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Non-Graphic Violence, Romanticized Abuse, Toxic Relationship, just warning: not romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:09:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaeSivan/pseuds/TaeSivan
Summary: Jung Jaehyun was perfect, that was Taeyong’s conclusion by the end of the night. And by the end of all the nights after that one. And by the mornings when he woke with that man by his side.Jung Jaehyun was perfect.But looking from afar, everything is.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	You sometimes smile at me (How can I let you go?)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was based on Monster by Exo, Psycho by Red Velvet and Me in You by Kard, so feel free to listen to them while reading.

Jung Jaehyun was perfect. 

At least, that was what Lee Taeyong always thought while admiring him from afar. 

The word ‘admiring’ made Taeyong look like a stalker, but he wasn’t one per se. 

It all started when Taeyong decided to attend ‘Korean literature’ as his elective. If he was being completely honest, he only took this class because it seemed easy and he really wanted – no, needed – an easy class to lighten up his schedule as a Bio and Chemistry double major. And if he was being even more honest, the only reason he took the class remotely seriously was because of Jung Jaehyun, the – gorgeous, polite, funny, and just all-around perfect – TA.

Since day one, when Taeyong locked eyes with that Greek God of a man, he made his personal goal to get to know Jaehyun better. And it helped that he actually sucked in all the aspects of Korean Literature and actually had to attend on a lot of office hours to understand the subjects.

After what was, probably, way too many hours of tutoring, Taeyong trying his best to look charming, Jaehyun seemed to finally notice Taeyong and all of his efforts to get his attention and asked him out.

That was two years ago.

During that date, Taeyong had the confirmation that yes, Jung Jaehyun was as perfect as Taeyong pictured him to be. He was funny and smart, making him laugh the whole night with his quick remarks and witty comments. He was also a gentleman, opening doors for him, pulling his chair, and buying him flowers. And to top it all off, he was gorgeous and prince-like. 

Jung Jaehyun was perfect, that was Taeyong’s conclusion by the end of the night. And by the end of all the nights after that one. And by the mornings when he woke with that man by his side.

Jung Jaehyun was perfect.

But looking from afar, everything is. 

Thing is, as the time went on and their relationship got more serious, Taeyong got to see Jaehyun from closer and closer.

And he wasn’t perfect.

At first, Taeyong loved – yes, love… That’s how far gone he was in so little time – him even more for his flaws. 

Like the way he would always forget to text back and apologize with like thirty emojis when he realized it. Or when he would always arrive a few minutes late and do aegyo so Taeyong could forgive him. Or how he didn’t like that Taeyong drank so much coffee, saying that it was bad for his health to drink so much caffeine, so he would always complain to Taeyong about it.

It was small things like those that made Jaehyun even more human to Taeyong and even more perfect.

But the closer you get, the more imperfections you find.

If Taeyong is being completely honest, he isn’t sure when things really started to get bad. He wasn’t really paying attention to the signs, too blinded by the shine of Jaehyun’s smile.  
Maybe he should have suspected something when the thirty emojis became one quick ‘oh, sorry took so long’, or when the few minutes became a few hours. Maybe when the complaints became him ordering tea for Taeyong and telling him to drink it instead?

But he didn’t care. Everyone had flaws. Taeyong had flaws too. Jaehyun was always telling him that he was too controlling sometimes.

His friends – mainly Doyoung… Actually, only Doyoung – didn’t really like Jaehyun that much. They – him, always him – would say that Jaehyun wasn’t good for Taeyong’s self-esteem.

Honestly, Taeyong couldn’t see it.

Jaehyun was always complimenting him. Yes, there was a time or two when Jaehyun would tell him that this specific hair color looked like shit on Taeyong, or that those type of leather pants only accentuated the fact that he didn’t have much of an ass.

But that was Jaehyun being honest with him. He would much rather hear those harsh truths than having a liar as a boyfriend.

And he was always complimenting Taeyong’s looks. He always would say that Taeyong was too pretty and that he was scared of having other guys looking at him, so maybe he should dress more ugly. And that his skin was too beautiful, so only he should be allowed to see it. And that he was gorgeous enough without makeup, so maybe he should throw all of his useless makeup in the trash.

Jaehyun wasn’t bad for his self-esteem. Doyoung was just jealous of what they had. ‘Maybe you shouldn’t surround yourself with jealous people’ – Jaehyun would suggest – ‘If he is really your friend then he should see how happy we are together and be happy too’. 

Taeyong agreed wholeheartedly. Doyoung didn’t.

He kept saying that Jaehyun was brainwashing him.

Taeyong disagreed while sipping on his green tea and trying to not show the disgust on his face.

Jaehyun wasn’t brainwashing Taeyong, he only wanted the best for his boyfriend.

And of course, he got mad when Taeyong couldn’t see it.

So when he caught Taeyong sipping a latte that would make him jittery later, of course, he got mad and screamed at Taeyong and made him spill the coffee on a sink and promise him that he wouldn’t drink that ‘shit’ again.

Of course, he got angry when he caught Taeyong putting on makeup to go out, cause ‘who are you trying to look good for if I’m not going with you?’. Taeyong did get sad when he saw Jaehyun smash his expensive makeup on the wall. But he understood why he did it. Taeyong shouldn’t be trying to look good for someone who wasn’t his boyfriend. And, besides, he did look better bare faced anyways.

Doyoung kept telling him that Jaehyun was dangerous and bad for Taeyong. So Taeyong stopped telling Doyoung about those instances.

Doyoung was just jealous of how happy they were. ‘You shouldn’t hang out with him anymore, Hyung. He is too jealous of us’.

Taeyong wasn’t sure about that… He did think that Doyoung was jealous of them, but stop seeing him altogether? He didn’t want to do that.

So he voiced these feelings to Jaehyun. 

If Taeyong was being honest, he was scared that Jaehyun would get mad at him again. He usually got mad when Taeyong did something that would go against his wishes – just one of his flaws. Taeyong is too controlling, Jaehyun doesn’t like to be defied.

But Jaehyun wasn’t mad at him.

Instead, he cried in Taeyong’s arms. He looked into his eyes and cried because he was scared that Doyoung would come in between them. That his jealous comments about their relationship would make them drift apart. That Taeyong would start believing Doyoung’s words more than Jaehyun’s. That Taeyong would leave him because of Doyoung’s clear jealousy of their happiness.

That was the first time Taeyong saw Jaehyun crying.

‘I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t know you felt like that. But I would never listen to him, baby. I love you’.  
‘You shouldn’t see him anymore. He will influence you to leave me, Hyung. I can’t have that. Promise me you will never leave me. Promise right now’.

‘Okay, okay… I will never leave you. Never’.

‘Then promise me you won’t see him again. Then I’ll believe it’.

Taeyong didn’t want to promise this. But the tears in his eyes and the fear in Jaehyun’s voice made him change his mind.

Love was all about that, wasn’t it? Making a few sacrifices for the one you love.

So, even though it hurt to not see his best friend anymore, he did it.

It felt a little lonely, but it was okay since Jaehyun was there to occupy all of his lonely moments.

He wouldn’t go out to cafes anymore with Doyoung, but it was okay because he could stay home with Jaehyun and drink tea.

Doyoung wouldn’t walk with him to class anymore, but it was fine because Jaehyun takes and get him from every class.

He couldn’t go out with Doyoung anymore, but Jaehyun would go with him instead.

Although Taeyong didn’t really like going out to clubs with Jaehyun that much.

Even if he kept saying that Doyoung was the jealous one, Jaehyun wasn’t very far from him. 

At first, Taeyong liked Jaehyun’s possessiveness, he liked how Jaehyun didn’t want anyone else wanting him. How Jae would always wrap an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders, or kiss him in front of the people who were staring or when he would show Taeyong off.

There were also moments where he liked it less.

Mostly when someone was staring at him and instead of kissing him, Jaehyun would be mad and try to pick a fight. 

He liked even less when he tried to pick a fight with Taeyong when it wasn’t even his fault.  
But then, again, maybe it was his fault. He did dress up too nice sometimes and, even if he stopped using makeup altogether, he did look nice. At least, that was what Jaehyun would say.

On those days Taeyong didn’t really like Jaehyun’s behavior, but it was okay since he only does that when he is drunk. And drunk Jaehyun doesn’t really know his limits.

So he picks fights and is mean with Taeyong.

He says things that hurt him and calls him names.

He is really rough and kinda hurts Taeyong a bit on the sex.

He treats Taeyong like garbage and falls asleep right after.

But he is drunk and he does apologize next morning.

He promises he won’t do it again, so it's fine.

Well, not fine… But forgivable.

That is also what love is all about, forgiving. Even if it hurt. Emotionally and physically.

It's fine. That is just love.

So it's okay if love hurts.

That is what he keeps repeating to himself every time it happens.

It's okay, love is supposed to hurt like that.

It's okay, he won’t do it again.

It's okay, at least this time it didn’t bruise.

It's okay, at least he loves you too.

It's okay, at least he’s still by your side.

But it wasn’t okay.

Taeyong felt broken inside because he didn’t know that love was supposed to hurt this much.

He didn’t know that love was going to crush his spirit and make his body bruised.

Days would go by and Jaehyun would keep his possessive and violent behavior and Taeyong missed the past more and more.

He missed when Jaehyun was sweet and loving. 

When he would kiss Taeyong skin instead of biting it. When he would caress Taeyong’s hair instead of pulling it. When his touches would leave chills instead of bruises. When his words would make Taeyong blush instead of sad. When tears would come out of pleasure instead of fear.

He never hit Taeyong, though. He was just a little aggressive when loving him.  
He could endure this.

But that didn’t stop him from missing the old times. And missing Doyoung too.

So, one day, on a whim, he decided to lie to Jaehyun and meet with Doyoung.

He wasn’t sure why he did that.

Love wasn’t supposed to be based on lies.

But, gosh, he missed his best friend. So he did it anyways and hoped that Jaehyun could forgive him.

The meeting was nice, even if Doyoung kept asking him why he was wearing a turtle neck and long sleeves in the middle of the summer. He just shrugged it off as a fashion choice and Doyoung – reluctantly – let it go.

Taeyong got to drink coffee again and laugh with his best friend for the first time in months.  
For the first time in a long time, Taeyong felt truly happy.

Doyoung made him promise to not push him away again and Taeyong promised that he wouldn’t.

So they decided to do it again next week. 

And they kept doing this for a few weeks.

Taeyong did felt bad for lying to Jaehyun, but he wasn’t sure that he would understand his need for having Doyoung in his life again. So he kept lying, saying that he had labs every Thursday evening. 

But Taeyong should’ve known better than lie to Jaehyun.

‘How was your lab, _baby_?’

‘It was nice’

‘Really? You think I’m an idiot, don’t you?’

‘Wha…’ 

But he couldn’t finish his sentence. A slap on his face rudely interrupted him.

‘You smell like coffee’.

That was all he said before he started.

Love is pain.

And, gosh, how it hurt.

Taeyong always loved Jaehyun’s muscles. He always thought that they were hot and that he was sexy when he was manhandling Taeyong around. That Jaehyun was so strong when he was holding Taeyong against the wall while fucking him.

That night Taeyong found out how strong Jung Jaehyun really was.

And the next morning, he still could feel how strong he truly was.

Every time he moved he remembered how strong his legs were when kicking.

When he breathed he could remember how strong his arms were when punching.

When he looked in the mirror and saw the bruises scattered all over his body he could remember how strong the hold Jaehyun had over his heart was.

Because it only took a few tears, excuses about a bad day, and empty promises of change for Taeyong to smile at him and forgive him.

Because, yes, Jaehyun’s love hurt. But not having it hurt even more.

So he forgave Jaehyun.

And Jaehyun did change.

He bought more makeup and Jaehyun didn’t complain. Because it hid all the proof of ‘Jaehyun’s bad days’.

He drank coffee again and Jaehyun didn’t complain. Because the bitter taste of the beans masked the bitter taste of blood on his mouth.

He could call Doyoung again and Jaehyun didn’t complain. As long as he never mentioned Jaehyun or what he did to Doyoung.

Taeyong’s life was perfect again.

Jaehyun would still walk him to classes with his arm draped on Taeyong’s shoulders, they would still go out on cute dates and post cute smiling selfies on instagram, they were still the cutest couple on campus.

But Jaehyun’s arm would be draped on Taeyong’s covered shoulders, so none of the purple, green and yellow would show.

But Jaehyun would be late for the date that he planed himself and the smiles would only last while the picture was taken.

But they still were the most perfect couple on the campus. 

From afar, everything is… 

But if you looked close enough, you could see how broken they really were.

‘It would be worse without me’ – Jaehyun would say – ‘Who would love a liar like you, huh?’ – He would ask when he saw the tears on Taeyong’s eyes – ‘You’re just a pretty face. You have no personality and no brains. I’m not even sure why I love you. But I do. I love you. Aren’t you lucky, Hyung? Aren’t you lucky that at least someone loves you?’

And Taeyong really is.

Because it sucks, and it hurts like hell. But at least Jaehyun loves him.

He hates that he can’t look at himself in the mirror without wanting to cry. But at least Jaehyun loves him.

He hates that he can’t do the things he loves without pissing his boyfriend. But at least Jaehyun loves him.

He hates that he has to lie to everyone he loves and tell them that everything is okay. But at least Jaehyun loves him.

He hates everything about himself now. But at least Jaehyun loves him. 

Except he doesn’t.

Because these days he gets home late, smelling like cheap soap. Sometimes he is drunk, sometimes he isn’t. Most times he is.

Taeyong tells him what he thinks is happening.

Jaehyun says that Taeyong is paranoid. That Taeyong is imagining things and throwing his insecurities on him.

So Taeyong lets it go.

But not for long.

He just can’t, because he isn’t blind.

Jaehyun has hickeys.

Hickeys that Taeyong didn’t give to him, because last time they had sex Taeyong wasn’t really conscious enough to give Jaehyun anything.

So he brings it up.

Because he is fucking tired. He is tired of hating his image in the mirror, of not being able to do what he likes, of lying to the people he loves, he is tired of hating himself just so Jaehyun could love him and in the end not even getting that.

So brings it up while screaming and crying. He throws stuff and makes a huge scene.

But thing is, he shouldn’t have brought it up.

Not when Jaehyun was pissed off with his week on work, not when he told Taeyong three times to shut up already. Not when he just had drunk five beers and a glass of whiskey.

But Taeyong was so pissed – with Jaehyun, with his own lack of self-love, with just everything – that he didn’t notice it. Not until it was too late.

If Taeyong could go back in the past, he wouldn’t have snapped when he did. 

But he can’t. 

He regrets it – He thinks while laying there. 

Not meeting Jaehyun or flirting with him. He doesn’t regret not breaking up with him or pretending everything was fine. He doesn’t regret the punches and the kicks, nor the tears.

He just regrets bring it up. He regrets pissing Jaehyun off. 

He regrets knowing that he won’t be able to see his parents or his sister again. He regrets that the last thing he ever said to Doyoung was a lie.

And, most of all, he regrets doubting Jaehyun’s love.

Because while he is lying there, on that pool of warm liquid, feeling the cold coming and every feel leave his body – pain included – he could see Jaehyun on his knees, staring at his own red hands. Crying like the love of his life was dying. He couldn’t help but think:

_At least he loves me._

**Author's Note:**

> So... How's everyone doing after this?  
> So, as i mentioned on the notes at the beginning, this fic was based on three songs that depict very toxic relationships on a romanticized way. Those songs inspired me to write something on the same tone.  
> I hope you understand that I'm NOT romanticizing those types of relationships myself, I don't condone those types of behavior and if you identified yourself with Taeyong in any shape or form please tell someone you trust and try to get help.  
> I hope you enjoyed the fic for what it is.  
> If there were any mistakes please let me know. English is not my first language and this fic has no betas.


End file.
